Let me be the one to call you baby all the time.

It's been well over a year since I last posted and a lot has happened since. I guess I should start with the separation of Cameron and I. I cheated on him with three different guys, the last one I'm with currently. I'm not ashamed and I don't regret it. Everything that I did led me to Brandon. Brandon. We've been together almost a year and I can't even fathom as to why I was with Cameron in the first place. But if I had never moved in with Cameron, I wouldn't have ever met Brandon. I slept with Brandon and the next day broke up with Cameron. This was June 17, 2013. Brandon and I were only supposed to be friend with benefits, but nine days later, we were officially together. One week after that, I told him he was my soul mate, and to this day, I don't doubt it. He has made me a much better person and I will forever be grateful for him. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, anywhere. To be honest, I was never in love with Cameron and to be frank, because of Brandon, I'm convinced that I've never been in love with anyone except him.

On February 15, Brandon and I met another couple and had a foursome with them. The female, Amanda, and I clicked on the first night. We drank two bottles of wine and talked, literally, the entire night. I told myself I would never let myself fall for another girl, but it happened. I fell for her, hard. All the while maintaining my relationship with Brandon and he knew about it. I was in a polyamorous relationship with Brandon and Amanda and we had maintained it up until a couple of weeks ago when Amanda told me she was leaving me to get married to Justin. Ah, well. Shit happens, right? Well, we are still living with them and Amanda and I are continuing to be best friends. My little sister graduated this year...Can you believe that? Lyssa is all grown up and moving on to college and what have I done with my life? Absolutely nothing. But guess what? I don't care. I'm happy with Brandon, my life and my job. That's primarily the GIST of everything severe that has gone on with my life. I'll try to post more often, but I'm not going to promise anything.

Thanks for listening,
     Jessica. ∞

i'll be there for you through it all...even if saving you sends me to Heaven.

Wow! Seems like it's been forever that I've written on this blog. Come to find out Billy actually found this blog while he was Googling his name! Apparently, he found it a couple months ago, and he never told me. Which was rude! I've been doing really great. Living on my own is awesome...and Cameron is as great as ever. Our six month was on Sunday, and he got me a promise ring! It's beautiful, and I love it. He really is the greatest thing I could ask for. He makes me so happy, and he's so sweet. I wish that I could measure up to the way he treats me. I feel like I don't do enough for him. Oh well, it's better to have someone love you than to be alone, and depressed. I've been having migraines for the past three days, and I've been throwing up on top of that. My dad said that if it doesn't get better by Friday, to go to the doctors and have them check it out. It scares me that I'm having these because I've never had them before...not this bad, at least. So, they're kinda scary. Overall, I have been wonderful. I love Cameron, and he's the one for me. <3 Oh, and Laura and I are talking again...I don't know if I mentioned that. We started talking a couple of months. It's been going good.

Thanks for listening in,
   Jessica. ♥

We all live in a Yellow Submarine!

It's been a while since I've posted. My computer got a virus (again) and wiped my entire operating system and my hard drive. So I'm going out in a few weeks and buying me a new operating system AND a new hard drive. Which should be lots of fun, only not. Onto bigger and better news; I've got my own apartment! :) With Cameron, of course! It's not far from Iowa Park, but it's still my own place. I'm not living at home, and it feels great being out on my own. Cameron and I are going great and strong. We've been dating for almost six months, and I couldn't be happier. I'm also talking to Laura again...not sure if I mentioned that before. We've decided to give it another shot, and to work things out, and I think so far we're doing good. I'm working on fixing things, and making myself better as a person. They changed my medication again, and these seem to be doing a better job than the last ones. I'm glad I found something stable before I moved out...Just because I know what I'd be like if I WASN'T on medication and I moved out. I'd be the crazy lady next door. Speaking of next door, I have a rally awesome neighbor. His name is Chris, he's twenty-five and is married. His wife's name is Jessica, and he Sao that's how he remembers my name. Hahah, funny? Also, he's letting me use his WiFi for free. It's pretty awesome...He's a great guy. He also figured out what was wrong with my laptop, which is why I'm going to go buy all that stuff for it when I get paid on the 15th of March. Cameron is applying at WDS...which is where I work...it bothers me because I want space some times, and I'm not going to be able to get that if he's working with me. We may not have the same shift...which would be awesome. Not saying I don't want him around, because I do...I just like having my personal space. He doesn't officially move in until this Friday, so we'll see how it goes. All in all, things have been going great for me, and I honestly couldn't be happier about it (: 

Thanks for listening in, 
       Jessica. <3 

hell yeah, level up! lev-lev-level up!

It's officially a new year, and that means new beginnings. My New Year's resolution is to continue to be stable on my medication and to stay in this relationship as long as I can. I have a few little ones, but I'm not going to focus too much on them, because they're probably not going to happen anyway. I just want to focus on the process of making myself a better person, and I know I've come a long way from last year, but some times I still wonder. Wonder where I would be if I hadn't changed. If I hadn't gone away, and gotten better. But I'm glad I did, because it all worked out for the best. I'm a much happier person and I feel like I've accomplished a lot in my life. I'm a whole lot more confident in myself, and I see myself alive in the future, which used to be a difficult feat for me. I used to be so sure that I was going to be dead in the next 6, 8, 12 months. But not anymore; I see myself as alive and successful, and that makes me so happy. It also warms my heart and soul knowing that I have someone to spend it with. Cameron and I have been together 3, almost 4 months, and things have gotten so much better in my life. I see myself with a future with him. I see us having kids and being happy. I love the fact that I can be myself around him, and he doesn't care...and I know how hard it is to be around me when I cycle. I'm not a pleasant person to be around, and it makes me smile to know that he'll be there for me through it all, and that he's not going to leave me because I'm bipolar. With the knowledge that I'm bipolar and being able to still be there for me....it takes a wonderful person to do that.

I know that these last few posts have talked about him, but I'm serious when I say he's going to be the person I spend the rest of my life with. I've never felt so happy...so safe around someone. I know he's my one. He's the only one for me. It's not like the previous relationships I've had. I don't have to throw my heart on the ground, bleeding for him, to get him to love me. The only thing I have to do is be myself, and I'm good. Something I posted on Facebook a month or so ago

it's funny...when you used to love someone, it was like nothing else mattered...and then when that person says they don't love you anymore, you're crashing into reality and everything is a blur. until you meet someone else. and the cycle continues...half the time, i say i've been in love with people...but if love never dies, i really haven't been IN love with anyone...because everyone that i thought i was in love with, i don't feel anything when i see them, talk to them, look at them. i feel nothing. i think, in reality, those who i "loved" were only preparing me for someone worth actually loving. and i have most definitely found someone worth loving. because he treats me like an equal. there has been no drama. there has been no fighting. and i feel like if I'M the one to let go, HE'LL be the one to hold on. but i'm not going to let go. because if i've found someone worth my love, then there is no way i can let that go. so, i guess what i'm trying to say is; thank you to those i "loved." you've made me someone worth loving. :)

 All of that is completely true about how I feel about him.

Anyway, thanks for listening,
     Jessica. ♪♫ 

let's be together forever.

every now and then, i feel myself slipping from reality, thinking; this is the last time. just get through this, and you're done. no more bad feelings, no more depression, no more. but it's never the last time. there's always another, and another. it just feels like nothingness. it's like people just go day to day, and i sit there, stuck in one time; one place. it seems that way. but before i slip into the void, there's someone coming for me. someone i never expected. someone i trust, and love with my entire being. someone that loves me, someone that would give up the world for me, someone that trusts me not to break them. he pulls me out of the nothingness, and holds me until i get a grip on reality. holds me and consoles me as i slowly bring myself together. he picks up the pieces that cut the deepest, and puts me back together, using himself as a foundation. he gives me confidence, and makes me stronger. he gives me love, and he gives me strength. he's everything i've ever wanted to find, and more. and there's not enough words or enough feeling to describe the depth of my love for him. he's the foundation of which i build my life upon. he's the soul of which i pour my deepest, darkest emotions into. his soul as white as a blushing bride. my soul as dark as a winter's night. he is the one in which i trust with my life. i would give up everything to save him. he is the one thing that i hold dearest to my heart. just him. i see myself with him in my future. i see us growing old, and having children, and not giving up. i see him in my life as someone who will pick me up when i fall. who will hold me when i cry. who will be someone i confide in my entire life. someone who would risk anything to be with me. that's the best feeling in the world. when the feeling is mutual. you know that no matter what life throws at you, you'll both hold on. it's fantastic knowing that everything around you is falling apart, and you're the ones that are still as strong as when you first began. i love him. i love him. i love him. i love him. nobody can break that. nobody. not his mother, not my father, not anybody. he's the only one who sticks around. he comes when i need someone. he calls when i'm crying, he holds me as i slip into the void of depression; refusing to let go. refusing to give up, no matter how hard i try to push him away. he holds on, knowing it's just a stage, and that i'll be okay soon. he knows how i function. i've known him my whole life, but only met him three months ago. he's my soulmate, and i know it. i'll never give up, i'll never let him go. he's mine, and i am his. nothing will change that. 

thanks for listening to me be in love, 
       jessica. ♥

you put your arms around me, and i'm home.

Some times I feel as though my mind is constantly in overdrive. When I'm finally in a happy place, I think and I think and I make excuses, and I bring myself down. I wish it weren't so. I've been with my boyfriend for three weeks, and an amazing three weeks it has been, and i know i'm in the honeymoon stage, and that everything seems perfect now, but it's not going to stay that way, and I know that, I just don't want to know that. I want everything to stay perfect. Because this has been the happiest I have been in months, and it feels great to feel loved. I mean, he's seen me when I wake up, with my hair a mess, and my breath stinky, and he always knows how to make me smile, and it's sad because when I think of some of the things he says that makes me smile, I always think of Billy, and I don't want to. I want to think of Cameron, and how amazingly sweet and kind he is. I just can't help it, and that makes me feel bad. Because Cameron doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who is going to think of him and only him, and I'm not doing that. Because, let's face it; I still love Billy. I always will. It's just difficult for me, but I'm not going to run away. I'm going to face this, and get over him. Cameron is going to help me do that...he may not know it, but he is. I'm tired of feeling this way about Billy, because he uses it to his advantage. He knows how he makes me feel, and he most definitely takes advantage of that. Anyway, I'm going to go do something productive, and not sit around and think when it makes me upset.

Thanks for listening in,
   Jessica ♥

When I see you smile, tears roll down my face.

Wow. Haven't updated this in forever. Well, that guy I was talking about in my last post didn't last at all. Since then, I've had about 2 other "boyfriends". Things have been a roller coaster. One minute, everything is fine, and then the next, everything is wrong, and its all my fault. Or so my step-mom says. She's been awful lately. Always in a pissy mood with me, and telling me everything is my fault. It's my fault I don't go to college. It's my fault that I cant do anything right. It's all my fault. Whatever. I'm done with this shit. She's been the worst. I thought things were getting better, and they have. But now it seems like all my work was for nothing. She's going back to being her old self. We've gotten into 3 fights in the past month. It's ridiculous. But I'm determined to make it work, even if I have to ignore her. She says I've been giving "attitude". Yeah, okay. But it's okay when Holly throws attitude or slams doors. But no, Jessica isn't allowed to have a bad day. I'm so tired of this. But I'll get through it. I always do. They've changed my meds. Again. These work better than the last ones. So, I guess thats good. 

I also have a full time job back at McDonald's. So, that's good. Because it means I don't have to be at home as often. I work mornings, usually 7am to 2 pm. Not bad. Getting paid $7.50 an hour. $7.75 in a month. Things are better at work. 

I also have a boyfriend. This one I hope is for good. We've been dating for a week. His name is Cameron and he's super sweet and nice and funny. He's incredibly sweet. I like him a lot, and he seems to feel the same, but so have the other ones, so honestly, I'm not getting my hopes up about this one lasting. He lives here, though, so I actually get to see him. Which is great. 

I guess overall, things have been alright. Anyway, I have to go. I'll try to post more often. 

Thanks for listening in, 

     Jessica. <3