Okay, so I haven't updated in a while, because I've been too stressed out. We'll start with my therapy appointment with my dad that happened last Thursday:
We went, and I went in first to talk to Ms. Amy about some other things that were bothering me and what now, you know, the usual. About twenty-five minutes later, my dad and little sister come in, and I already know what I'm going to say to my dad, and I did say it. I said:
"I know that you're busy with work and everything, and I understand that, but you have to
that I am more important than all of those things, and I don't know if you know that or not,
but I just want to know that I'm really upset that you say you're going to do all of these
things, and then you don't. It's like you put everything before me. And if something doesn't
change, then I don't want anything to do with you."
And then he had the guts to say:
"Right now, work is my top priority."
And I responded with:
"Okay, so which would you rather have? A house and no children, or a no house with
children?"
And he's all like:
"Well, I'd like to have both."
And I just let it drop. At that point, I was furious. I didn't look at him the rest of the time. Until he said that he and Sabrina had gotten into an argument, where she said:
"You haven't given up anything for this relationship!!!"
And he replied with:
"I gave up my daughter for this relationship!"
I was like, "O____________O" WHAT?! YOU GAVE ME UP JUST TO BE WITH THAT BITCH?! I was even more mad. I glared at my lap, and I swear, fumes were rising out of my ears. I was so pissed off.
And then, he went on to say how Sabrina wants to apologize to me. I was like, "O_________________O !!!!!" She wants to apologize?! I was like, "Even if she does, I don't think that will take back what she did to me. And it's definitely not going to change our relationship.", but I didn't say that, because I wasn't even talking to him at that point. I was furiously pissed. It was ridiculous. Of course, I cried like a baby, and sobbed when I got home, but the point is, he fucking gave up our relationship because Sabrina's more important. It's whatever. It pissed me off.
Onto something else.
So, I met this girl (online of course), and I really like her, and I was talking to Laura about it. I felt really guilty for moving on, and I don't even know why. It was weird, and then Laura and I got into this argument about it, and it ended with both of us signing off. It wasn't pretty. And then on top of the guilt I felt for moving on, I felt guilty about fighting with her. It was pretty lame.
Anyway, this new girl, (insert name), is one of my friends from AWK. We met on that site, and then we exchanged AIM's, and then I fell for her. But I wasn't sure if I should say anything, because I didn't know if she felt the same way. It turns out, she does.
Last night, someone IM'd her, and said, "Do you even know Jess in real life, or no?" and then she was like, "It makes me wonder about what we're really doing.", and I was like, "Oh." and blah blah blah. I said, "I really don't care what people think about us. As long as we're happy, right? What should we care?" and blah blah blah. But we're good now.
But, I was so ready to break-down. Cuz I'm tired of falling too fast, and I'm tired of people playing with my emotions, screwing me over, and then completely smooshing them in the ground. I'm tired of trying too hard in a relationship, cuz I become attached when I know they are going to leave me for someone more spectacular. And I want to be loved because of who I am, and if you think I'm not good enough, go fuck yourself, because I'm not going to change.
Thanks for listening in,
Jessica or Delilah ♥
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