Let The Monster Rise~

Okay, I don't know how to start this post. I guess I can start by saying "I'm sorry." I'm sorry for making you all believe that I've changed, when really, I haven't. I mean, I have, but not in the way everyone was expecting me to. I'm still that old depressing Jessica, but I no longer show it, and I just want to say I'm sorry for leading you all to believe that I hid it. I know that people expect me to be the up-beat, funny, exuberant, loud, and amazing, but I can no longer pretend to be that person. I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine, when really, I'm not. I can no longer pretend.

Things have been going downhill for me. Things with dad aren't getting better, and the situation with Sabrina isn't being resolved. Not that I expected them to, but I hoped. And that's what's been getting me down. Hope. I shouldn't hope for things, when I know they aren't going to come true. I've been let down too many times, and it's time that I change that. I'm no longer going to hope for things that are out of my control. I mean, I know I can get my hopes up about going somewhere, because I can control that. But I'm no longer getting my hopes up about my father, because no matter what, I know that he's never going to change, as much as I hope, and as much as I think he is, he's not. He's going to stay the same exact way he is, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I'm tired of people thinking they can step on me, and think that they can mess with me, and my friends, and my emotions, and everything be fine. And it's not. I'm sick and tired of people acting like they care, when they don't. I'm sick of people being oblivious to me. I'm tired of people that are obsessed with one person, and they are completely oblivious to the rest of the world, and ignore what is truly important. I'm tired of falling in love with my best friends. I'm so fucking sick and tired of getting hurt. It is going to stop, and I will do whatever is in my power to make it stop. I'm tired of it.

And for those of you who do care, thank you. I appreciate you so much, and I'm glad that you're one of the ones that actually know what's going on, and don't judge me for it. Thank you. I love you, and you have no idea how much you mean to me.

Thanks for listening in,
Jessica or Delilah. ♪♫