hello, has no one told you she's not breathing.

Alrighty, I'm still not at San Marcos ( thank God ) but somehow I wish I was. Away from here, away from the people, and away from the drama. At least it's peaceful down there. At least I know, there I will be safe. I'm so scared that something is going to happen when I'm away. Like, a death. I was supposed to go with my mom to New Mexico for my gramma's spreading of the ashes, but since we're so close with the San Marcos thing, I know that there would be no way for me to go with my mom. I wish. I want to see my family. I want their hugs, and their love. New Mexico is really the only place that I can feel at home. The one place I know I'm safe, no matter what is going on. Peaceful, and everybody there loves me. I'm still on my medicine, hence the peacefulness of this post. I want to escape. To get out. Almost there. I quit writing poems, but I think I should start that up again. That's the only way I can really express my feelings, and feel good about it. I find them to be relaxing, and I know I'm good at writing, so I can feel good about it being good.

I miss my friends. I miss Laura and Amy. I haven't talked to them much, but I wish I could. They're the closest people I have. The ones who know me inside and out. I miss them. So much. I wish that I had wifi at Martha's house. I really do. I'm an addict to the internet, but that's where my best friends live, and I can't live without them. I felt really bad last night when Amy IM'd me while I was leaving McDonald's and I said I had to go really quick. I really felt bad. I haven't talked to Billy in a few days, because I don't have a phone. He knows about the San Marcos stuff, and is still with me. *shakes head* I will never understand why he's still with me. He's supportive, and loving, and kind to me, and I don't understand why. I guess I never will. People say I deserve happiness, but I don't think I do. If I did, why would all the shit that's happened to me, happen to me? It doesn't make sense. I wish that things would get better, but I know once I get out of Texas, things will fall into place, and I will finally be happy. Truly happy again. I miss those days when I was carefree and didn't care about anything, and I felt at peace. Anyway, I have a senior meeting to attend, so I'll update later.

Thanks for listening in,
   Jessica. ♥