So, I'm typing to you with two days left of computer time. You know what that feels like, knowing you won't have contact with anybody for three to five months, or update my blog. It hurts. A lot. I'm watching Titanic with Laura. It's a wonderful movie. I broke up with Billy today.........that made me cry. A lot. I think that's the second time someone has made me cry by ME breaking up with THEM. It hurt me a lot. He was so understanding, which, of course, made it worse. Because you feel more terrible about breaking up with them. It really sucks. But I couldn't go on like that. I felt like I was lying to him, and to myself. Because I really didn't love him. Well, I did, but it was a different love. I wasn't IN love with him. I am going away, and I don't want him waiting around for me. I told him that if we both felt the same way after I got back, we would get back together, but I know that I won't feel the same way, because I never felt that way in the first place. I'm in love with Laura. I really am. I know this. But I don't know. I know I'm clinging on, pointlessly, because she'll never love me the same way back. I don't know. Maybe I'm too susceptible to love. Maybe I give into it so easily. But I've truly only loved three people. First was Bethany, then Laura, and then Daisy. But it's always been Laura over everybody else. As much as I was in love with Daisy, if there was the slightest chance Laura and I could get back together, it wouldn't be a decision. I would've chosen Laura in a heartbeat. No matter how pissed Daisy got, because I don't give a fuck. I love Laura. With every fiber of my being. I love her. I LOVE her. I can't not love her. She's the one person I would do anything for. The one person who I would give myself to completely. Emotionally. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. I just wished that she felt the same way, and that there was a chance for us to get back together. But she wants to get married and have kids. She wants to find someone who would give her kids. A man. That hurts me like a thousand needles. It physically hurts me to know we won't ever be together. "I know, it doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it." - Rose. I just heard that line, and realized how perfectly it fit. I love not knowing what's going to happen. Anyway, going to finish movie night with Laura.
Thanks for listening in,
Jessica or Delilah. ♥
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