new scene, new direction...

so, things have been a rollercoaster. one moment, I'm happy, and then the next, it all disappears and I'm aggravated and upset. that's how it's been the past couple of months. right now, this very instant, i feel like crying. just because. because everything is falling apart, no matter how much i try to keep them together. the seams of my life are falling to pieces. and there is nothing I can do about it. I lie awake some nights, after I get off the phone with Amy, and wonder what life would be like if she, too, walked out of my life. that's everyone I've ever cared for, gone. first daisy, then Laura. I guess in a way, I'm glad laura's gone. because I remember staying up, worrying about her, just because I knew she wasn't happy, and now she's found someone who makes her happy. something I could have never done. I wish I had some sense of security, so i wouldn't be paranoid that someone was talking about me, or that someone is thinking about me. I know people don't think about me as often as I think of them. like, I always think about someone, and then i get paranoid because what if they really hated me? and were lying just to make me feel good? I'm paranoid about everything. when I get out of someones car, I always wonder if they're talking about me. if I was annoying or not, if i was too loud, too immature. 

daisy and I aren't talking at all. just because I wrote something on facebook, and she got offended. not that it really bothers me, because I knew this was going to happen. I'm just expecting the worst now. I know that, eventually, everyone will walk out on me. so thank you, laura and daisy, for making me more insecure than I already am. i feel like I make too much drama in peoples lives. I fight with all my friends. in one way or another, and I feel immature, and dumb. anyway, now that I've worked myself up and am crying, I'm going to go to sleep. 

thanks for listening in,
   Jess. <3