don't try to fix me, im not broken

I don't even know. I'm completely blank. Daisy goes into surgery Wednesday. If she doesn't make it, then I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to pretend that everything is okay, because it's not going to be, and nothing that anyone says is going to change that. I'm going to lose my Daisy. My sunshine, and it's going to hurt. Like Hell. More than that. She is everything to me. She was the one who showed me friendship, and I don't know what I'm going to do without her. She told me that she was giving up, and that she couldn't fight this anymore. I'm not going to throw a hissy fit, and I'm not going to pressure her into anything. If she thinks she can't handle it anymore, then that's her, and there's nothing I could do anyway. She never listens to me, and I wish she would. But I know that I need to be strong for her. I can't let her know what's going through my emotions. She can't see that I'm hurt. She can't see that I'm breaking. She can't see any of that, because I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to see that I'm crumbling into a billion pieces.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I really won't believe it until she's gone. She won't let me go to the hospital to see if she's alive or not. They won't release that to me. But maybe I can get them to release it to my dad. He works there, so I think they'd release info to him. If she doesn't survive, then goddammit, I want to know. I want to know if she's dead. I want to know if she made it through the surgery. The docs said it wouldn't be likely that she would live, so if they think she's not going to live, then who am I to counteract them? I just need faith, and I need hope.

I know that I don't believe in God, but there would definitely be a place for Daisy. Somewhere good and safe, and nice. I believe that she's going to be happy when she dies. There has to be. Someone doesn't just die, and not be able to live again. There has to be something after death.

Anyway, I'll try to post.

Thanks,
  Jessica or Delilah