you dare tell me you love me

Okay. Daisy is in surgery. She's officially in surgery. My dad said that she'll probably be in Intensive Care Unit (ICU) after she gets out of surgery. So, I'm taking Jordan and myself to the hospital to see if she's alive. If not, wow. Things are definitely going to be different. But I can't help but wonder if it would be for the best. Especially since I'm going through this stress. Maybe it would be better if Daisy was gone. I know that makes me a bad person, but seriously, I think my life would be easier. I'll get over the pain, and move on. I'm not saying I'm going to forget her altogether, because I definitely won't. She's made too much of an impact on my life, that there is no way I'm going to forget her. Why should I make myself miserable? I shouldn't have to. She'll be fine, whether dead or alive. I'm going to be upset, yes, but I'm not going to let it take over my life. I'm stronger than that.

Speaking of strong, I broke down before bed last night. In front of my dad, no less. I told him I was tired of this. I was tired of feeling. I was tired of pain, and I was tired of being strong. He just held me and let me cry it out, and I did. For a good 15 minutes, I cried. He asked if there was anything he could do, and I said "no". Because it's true. There is nothing he can do. I have to face this and endure this almost alone. I mean, I'll let some people in, but definitely not my dad. The most he can do is listen, and be there.

I want people here. I want Amy here and I want Laura here. I wish that they could be here. That would mean the world to me. I wish there was a possible way for me to see them, or vice versa. They are the only people that I'm actually going to let be there for me. Jordan too. >_> I think that Daisy dying will bring Jordan and I closer, as much as I hate to admit it, but I need someone here to help me, and Jordan understands. I know that I would never say that, but it's true.

I'm confused about a lot of things, but I'm especially confused about one thing in particular. Laura. I'm SO confused. I don't know. I love her. I mean, love. I'm in love with her. More so than Daisy, which is the confusing part. I guess it's mostly because Laura feels the same, I think? I don't know. I've already screwed up the relationship twice, why am I feeling this way. I want to be with her. I...I don't know. I'm confused. Maybe it will all clear up when Daisy's gone. I just know one thing. I love Laura. More than Daisy. Seriously. More than I ever loved Bethany, because Laura cares. I questioned it when we were dating, because I was having feelings for Daisy, but now, I know I love Laura. With all my heart.

Anyway, I'll report tomorrow or tonight with Daisy report.

Thanks for listening in,
  Jessica or Delilah ♥