Lately, life has been getting the better of me. I'm never really happy, and I'm not really social. I've become more distant from my friends at school. They tell me that I'm being a bitch, and I seem upset or depressed all the time, which I am. I'm never happy anymore. Nothing I can think of lifts my spirits. I've just been horrible. But not to the point of miserable. I've stopped answering texts, and I've just put my phone in my pocket, not really wanting to hold a conversation with me. The only person that I've talked to is Barak, my freshman, and it wasn't really a conversation. I was boring, and just simple answers. We stopped texting soon after that. I've been extremely tired all the time. I went to bed at 7 and didn't even wake up until 7 the next morning when I had to be at school, and I was still exhausted to the point of sleeping in two of my classes before this one. I don't know what has gotten into me, I'm just dull, and lifeless. Like a ghost. Nobody really questions me anymore, they just go on with their lives. I'm just a mirage, just trying to get through the day. It's come to the point to where I dread having to talk to anyone, or want to go to theatre. I'm dreading having to go to the choir thing tomorrow, because I have to be social. There is nothing to look forward to. I'm tired and I'm depressed. I don't know why. I guess it's just life sinking in. Nothing is ever going to be okay with my mom. There's no point in trying to be nice to my step-mom. My dad has yet to keep promises. I don't have any friends here at Hirschi. Everybody has someone they would rather talk to. It's just a mess. I guess I just don't really fit in. I can tell I'm starting to annoy my theatre peers. I sit alone when we go on bus trips. Nobody bothers to try to make conversation. When we go out to eat, I sit alone, or walk alone to whatever food I want. I'm just a piece of furniture. Seems like elementary school all over again. Where nobody looked twice at the girl who would cry in the bathrooms because her body hurt from the beating she recieved the night before. Where nobody would sit with the girl who wore hand me down clothes because her mom was working two jobs to make ends meet. Where nobody would pick the girl to be on their team, because she was weird and nobody liked her. Where nobody would even bother to ask what was wrong with the girl, because she was a nobody. I feel like fading into the background, and just disappearing altogether. I don't want to be living in this life anymore. I just want it to end, and get it over with. I'm tired of being an option in someones life. I'm tired of giving me all to someone who wouldn't think twice about doing it for me. It just seems like, I'm always there for everybody, but when I want to do something, or need someones shoulder to cry on, people are always too busy to let me cry for five minutes. It's nervewracking, and hurtful. I hate that I am the one that cares about everybody, but never recieves anything in return. *sigh* I guess I'm done.
Thanks for listening in,
Jessica or Delilah.
I don't even know what to say to this. The only thought that first went through my mind was that you're obviously depressed, and maybe the therapist you're going to now isn't helping you much, if at all. It doesn't mean it's life sinking in, it just means whatever the main issues are aren't going away or you aren't feeling better about them, like your therapist should be helping you with.
ReplyDeleteSomething else that I thought about while reading this: All this stuff, it's only going to make you stronger when you're with people who actually care about you.
And a third: I think you're overthinking stuff way too much. Plus, it doesn't help that your depression would make you do that. And really? You want this life to end? And don't tell me i'm being paranoid or dumb, because you didn't mention me or ANYONE, so I guess that means if you need MY shoulder to cry on, I'm not here anymore? Funny...I haven't heard from YOU in days. The last time I talked to you was Sunday night when you were talking about the spider. So...idk what to do. I can't try to contact you when you, as you just said, won't answer. Talk to me. Hiding your feelings from one person who WANTS to help isn't going to help you at all.
Wow...rant done. Love you!