she's riding that emotional rollercoaster, and there's no stopping her now.

I'm really starting to wonder if I'm bringing all this pain upon myself. I'm wondering if there really is anything wrong with me, or if I make myself miserable just because of things in my life that I can't control. I mean, yeah, I have every reason in the world to be depressed, but do I really have to take that, or can I just ignore everything, and pretend that everything is okay? I mean, why should I make myself miserable when it's obviously not getting me anywhere. I was fine up until yesterday, where I just felt like I fell into a black hole, and everything was wrong. I'm trying to get myself better, without causing an uproar, but I don't know. I mean, I haven't seen Ms. Amy in almost a month, and seeing her, helps me to know that there is someone out there who actually gives a shit, and is there for me, and not just because she's paid to do so, but because she cares. It's tough to find someone that actually cares, and will try to make you better. Yes, I realize that she is paid to see me, but even then, she's given me her cell number, and if I ever wanted to just hang out with her, or something, then she'd work something out. I mean, she's my therapist...she doesn't even have to do that. But she does because she cares, and that means a lot to me. My dad is just being my dad, and hasn't really helped with anything, and this not having any money or gas to get me to where I NEED to go, is getting slightly ridiculous. They manage to take Kara to and from work, but can't get me to Ms. Amy, or to a doctor when I need to go. It is always the world revolves around Sabrina, and Holly, and Kara, and Will........and then comes Jessica, IF we have money, IF we have time, IF we have the gas to get her there. It's never, "What does Jessica need?" or "Are you okay?" or "So how was your day?" or "Do you want to go out to dinner?" or any of that. It's always directed at someone else, and I'm just a shadow. It seems like I'm always the one to reach out to people. If I didn't call anybody, or try to see anybody, then nobody would call, or come see me, or make plans with me. It wouldn't be any different in their lives. I don't mind not having a phone. I mean, who do I talk to? I never text'd anyone, and I rarely called anyone, except when I needed a ride from my dad, or if Amy called occasionally.

But like I said, there is no point in making myself miserable when there are things that I can't control. I'm just going to glide through the next year and a half, and try to make myself happy. I'm going to work on accepting that my mother hates me, and all that other stuff. Even if it's by myself, and I don't mean that I'm not going to distance myself from everybody...I just mean, that I'm done being the one to reach out to people, when they don't make the effort to reach out to me.

Thanks for listening in,
Jessica or Delilah.